Even back in the day we had the likes of Sam Fox Strip Poker on the Spectrum. It's not even as if mucky games are anything new, and recent years have seen such tat as Lula: The Sexy Empire and Erotica Island. It's more a test of patience than an in-depth exercise in social engineering. The seduction process often seems to be happening in real time, proving a laborious affair that will try the resolve of all but the most sex-crazed gamer. Throw in the fact that your singles also have to hold down jobs, eat, sleep and wash, and it's a painstaking business - the equivalent of getting a pair of Chinese pandas to mate. Or as the game would have it, friendship, romance and sensuality, ratings that must all be maxed out before there's any hint of action. We don't understand, and have simply put this down to the game's German origins, the 18-rating presumably covering graphic nudity but not toilet functions apparently.īog-trotting aside, in order to get your singles to copulate, you're going to have to play it by the book, progressing from bland chit-chat to mild flirtation to naked animal rutting. Yet more absurd is the fact that should one of the characters be naked when nature calls, they can simply drop the kids off at the pool in the traditional fashion. No fun for anyone (as I recently found out), and even more unlikely in a game that punishes them for not washing their hands. No, instead they simply sit on the throne fully clothed and presumably fill their pants. However, more sinister workings are afoot here, as due to some bizarre censorship situation, the characters in Singles can't drop their kecks to have a dump. Fortunately, you can set the Al to take care of basic bodily functions, thus avoiding the embarrassing mishaps that allegedly made The Sims so hilarious. Like the sims in The Sims, singles in Singles have to eat, piss and shit (praise be for punctuation) - the similarity is uncanny. It's a shameless rip-off, and as such involves the tedious routine of decking out your apartment with potted plants and irksomely rotating items of furniture. Although here, the second hand would probably be in the shape of an engorged penis. Inspiration doesn't do it justice though, as Singles is inspired by The Sims in the same way that a fake Rolex is inspired by a Rolex. They might as well have called it Singles: Have Penetrative Sexual Intercourse.īilled as The Sims with shagging, the inspiration is clear. What could possibly go wrong? Lose the clothes, point them in the general direction of each other and watch them go at it like knives.Īlas, it seems that there is more to relationships than naked grappling (not on my watch), and relationships is what Singles is all about - although the subtitle Flirt Up Your Life hints at what it's really about. And for the ladies, an array of unfettered cocks swinging around the monitor with gay abandon. We're talking tits, arse, fanny, the lot. The question in question: will there be muff? Absolutely. Within minutes Paris was butt-naked, thus answering the question that had been on our minds ever since we first encountered the game. If you haven't been following its progress, Singles can loosely be described as a relationship 'em up, with the vague aim being to achieve a happy ending for your couple, naturally preceded by some horizontal shenanigans. Mr Holden is on the receiving end of my concerns, and they' are Enrique and Paris, residents of a rooftop apartment in a European city in a computer game called Singles. But with my copy very nearly due, it's the best I can offer. As phone calls to commissioning editors go, it's an unconventional opening gambit, albeit one of the more original excuses for missing a deadline.
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